Just some thoughts about today's service.
My 2nd service since a long time.
I have no intention of joining a cell group this time.
But because I went with a friend who belongs to a cell group, naturally, the leader will ask if I want to join too.
So when I said no, of course the leader will start asking me the reason etc.
I'm not saying the leader is doing something wrong.
She mentioned to me that last wk's service, pastor was calling for a person who had strayed away from God for a long time and is back finally.
She feels that it is me, and I feel that way too, but I didn't mention anything.
She ask me for the reason why I strayed. I told her because of the location of the church.
Today, she told me she feels it's not the sole reason, and she wish I can talk to her.
But I only told her nothing.
How can I tell her that the reason I pondered for so long before returning is because I don't like the attention church people showers on newcomers.
I don't like the way they come all onto me like, hey let's go cell group, hey let's go for encounters, let's go for retreats.
It's like woah, slow down.
I have just returned and I'm still trying to find the connection.
Be slow with me, I'm not a person who can adapt into a place so quickly, especially with all of them being strangers to me.
You can pray for me, you can do debriefs, but for further steps, I really need time.
Today's topic was to step out in faith.
I agree that it's no use if you attend services regularly but do not dare to take the first step out to do what God wants you to do.
I don't know what will happen next too, but at this moment in time, I just don't feel comfortable in a church yet. I still need to adapt.
I may attend cell group, I don;t know when, maybe next week, I never know. But I can't be sure for now yet.
To me, from my past experiences, cell groups are like smaller services.
I know when people worship in smaller groups, the presence of God will be like sronger, I'll get to know God better, but now, when I still don't know anybody, a cell group is just like a service where I don't know anyone but just trying hard to fit in.
I may be talking rubbish because I don't know how to express that feeling inside of me towards joining a cell group.
I had a struggle just now on the way home.
So many thoughts poured through my mind.
I need time to settle these thoughts.
Also, I met my ex-cell group leader just now.
And she told me that my old friend was also at service just now.
Originally, I thought she will be really excited to see me.
She did exclaimed, but I don't feel excitement in her.
I don;t know, maybe the dispersal of our cell group really hurt her last time.
I was so excited when I called her when I heard that she is looking for a church now.
But her answer was.. hmm.. Maybe she don't want to attend with me I guess.
PS: Latest update, she msged me after reading my blog. I realised she also have the same views as me, not that she don't want to attend with me. Phew! Good, now we can both reject pple together. wahahah!
I really have difficulties making decision now.
I want to go church.
If I go with my old company, she won't be permanently staying in this location.
If I go with my ex-cell group leader, she's in a location that I'm not willing to go.
If I go with my friend, I'm really stressed out when they ask me about joining cell group.
I just want to go there and worship, I really wonder if God's plan is to let me stay in this church.
