i need sumwhere to pour my feelings.
i cant contain them anymore.
it's suffocating me.
since i've nv heard tt he has read my blog..
i shall say it here..
funny a major thing happened this wk..
n it's kind of disturbing lah..
so much so tt i cldnt slp last night.
i was tinkg abt alot of things.
n i even had to climb out of bed to jot it down.
in case i miss out any pts tt i wan to say.
i just read back on my entries abt tt fateful day..
i noe i wished him gd luck.
i wished tt everybody will haf their happy lives aft tt.
but hah.. i tink this is god's way to let me grow up.
nw we r working at the same place, diff dept nonetheless.
but we will almost see each other at the end of the day.
i dun haf much experience in facing a soured friendship.
so when i saw him, i didnt noe wad to do.
i didnt even noe if i shld approach him.
so my first instinct told me to run.
so i avoided him. n avoided this whole thing.
i didnt even let him noe tt i saw him.
aft everything had calmed down, i heard alot of explanation abt y he went the othe way
things lyk he went to certain place cuz he wans to meet certain pple.
yeah.. tt may be a reason..
but it didnt ans to my qn..
y lie?
does he really see us as pple tt he cannot be honest to?
but aft sum thorough tot, i realised tt we r pple who will still force him to go with us even aft he had say his reason.
this might be the reason y he sees the need to hide it frm us.
of cuz deep down in my heart, i wish tt we cld be just lyk b4..
i like him, i min as a fren.
his company, his humour, his randomness, n the 3 yrs of frenship tt we have.
i rmbed once when both of us were talking on the train home.
he told me tt if i ever get a job, i haf to tell him.
then he will go n get a job too.
i asked him y.
he told me tt if i have a job, i wun be gng out with them frequently.
n at tt time, pple were all bz with their gfs or bfs, or some dun even go out
so i tink he didnt wan to be the only one left.
i also rmbed tt i always go out with wad i called my "3-Ds"
nw tt one frenship's ruined, the other's bz with wad he says is rugby coaching.
n the last D. i can only say tt we r always eating non-halal meal, so it's seldom he will come out with us.
i hate the feeling when things r left unclear, but at the same time, im also not the type to take the initiative to clarify things.
i guess the feeling of the latter option is stronger, so in the end, i chose to run away frm this.
i dunno is it just me or wad, but i feel a tension n awkwardness in between.
everytime i run into him, im always debating within myself whether to approach him anot.
or even just to let him noe tt "i-saw-u-but-i-dunno-if-i-shld-tok-to-u"
anyway, i blked him out of anger the other time.
but when i decided to unblk him, i found tt i was blked by him.
n when someone blks sumbody, tt mins tt he dun wan to speak to tt person ryt?
i dun wan to risk approaching him alrdy n get ignored.
i admit im a coward. i hate situations lyk these.
i noe tt im not supposed to be the one who is the most angry cuz im not the one who is hurt the deepest.
i also noe tt the one who is hurt the deepest is alrdy ok with him.
n im probably the only one still holding a grudge against him.
n no, im not angry for e one who's hurt the deepest.
i noe everyone has been telling me tt.
but i am angry bcuz i saw hw he cld hurt his frens.
i guess tt none of us is willing the take the first step.
things will just have to remain as it is.
everyone is changing.
even the one who is hurt the deepest.
but i guess this is just wad everyone decided the best way to protect themselves.
changes r gd.
but if these decisions r affecting the quality of our frenship, then maybe everyone shld really start considering wad they really wan out of this.
im not pinning hopes on anybody.
i just need to express how i feel.
u can ignore me.
**
wah kao..
i shldnt even waste my time loh.
in the end i got this kind of reaction.
i just got news frm xt tt he does read blogs.
ah.. decided to post it up again.
cuz i realise tt if.. if he's gng to read this n become more angry.
then maybe i shldt really waste my time at all.
anyway mas selamat is caught.
so everybody.. rejoice!
